You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
