My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I checked into jail on foursquare
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sorry my hands just texted you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
