Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
