Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
