They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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