You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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