I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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