she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
