I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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