The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
