I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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