Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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