Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
