Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
