you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
please don't ironically join a cult
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