News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
