no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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