dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
