lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
