My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
