Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
