i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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