Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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