i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
