I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
