make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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