he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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