Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
