i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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