sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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