just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wanna passion pit in your ass
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
