I wanna passion pit in your ass
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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