I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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