I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
