If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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