I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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