My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
