i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
