Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
