Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
