when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
