I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
worst night to have a conscience
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
