im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Be still, my beating vagina.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
