not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
