It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
