He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
