I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
