I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
