Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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