Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
