I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
