A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
